Humbug!
by Earendil Eldar
Summary: Ianto doesn't like Christmas. Jack wants to do something to change that (probably just 5 parts, maybe 6).
1. Chapter 1

"Bloody awful out there," Ianto practically shouted, storming into the Hub with hands full of carrier bags. "I recommend a two-month 100% lockdown."

Jack grimaced behind his desk. Last time Ianto sounded like that it was his favorite coffee blend on backorder at the shop. Jack hoped to hell it was something easier to deal with this time… Weevils-Gone-Wild, Dalek invasion, just about anything really. Gathering up his courage, Jack pushed away from his desk and went to find Ianto putting away the shopping.

"That bad?" Jack said carefully.

"Worse," Ianto grumbled. "I don't want to leave this place until at least January 3."

"Ok, so just a one-month lockdown, then? Not so bad. Hey… think of what we could do with this whole place to ourselves for a whole month!"

"Jack. Shut up," Ianto snapped.

"Sorry," Jack mumbled, laying a hand on Ianto's arm to stop him. "What is it? Something happened?"

Ianto took a deep breath. "Nothing _happened_, Jack. I just hate it out there."

"I thought it was a pretty nice day for December."

"That's the problem. The crowds are unbearable. Nothing but pillocks and divs out there. And every bloody thing you walk by is motorized, flashes, and makes noise. And those absolute bloody twats ringing bells outside shops. And every shop you walk into, as if the crowds weren't horrid enough, insists on _cheering_ you the bloody hell up with holiday music. A waking nightmare, Jack."

"You sound a little low on the holiday cheer."

"Oh, don't you start as well. I thought at least you, not being from around here, wouldn't get on my arse about Christmas."

"Can I just get on it?" Jack grinned. He backed off from that tack right away when Ianto gave him The Look. "Ok. You don't like Christmas in general, or just the noisy stuff that comes with it? I know you aren't big on noisy crowds."

"I don't like any of it, Jack," Ianto said, suddenly sounding exhausted. "And I know I'm the only one."

"Well, damn. I _was_ going to ask you what you want for Christmas. But, I guess if you don't like any of it…."

"I don't want anything. From anyone, thanks. What I'd really like is to not have to acknowledge the whole damn holiday, but I suppose it's a social requirement."

"Has that always been the case?"

"Pretty much," Ianto sighed. "You love it when you're a kid, but eventually…."

"You stop trying," Jack finished quietly.

"Yeah."

Jack pulled Ianto into his arms. "I get it." Jack decided then and there that he'd do something to make Ianto's Christmas something he'd actually like.


	2. Chapter 2

Ianto Jones prided himself on knowing absolutely everything there was to know about Torchwood 3. So when he started noticing the team talking in low voices and abruptly ending conversations whenever he was around, Ianto became determined to find out what was up. Ianto did _not_ like surprises.

But every attempt he made to find out what was going on was met with dead ends. Ianto decided that his sleuthing wasn't going to get him anywhere. He was going to have try more direct approaches. Interrogating Owen would obviously be useless, and Jack was a master at obfuscation, though Ianto reckoned he'd be able to break him down with some particularly judicious tactics if it came to that. Tosh was far too good at diversions for Ianto to get any really useful intel, he knew that well enough. Gwen… Gwen, however, would cave within moments.

Only the best he managed to get from even Gwen was those bloody puppy-dog eyes that tipped him off that _something_ was most assuredly on, but that was all. Ianto spent the next two weeks hyper-vigilant and suspicious of everything he didn't do entirely himself.

* * *

><p>"Well, hello there, handsome," Jack purred, wrapping his arms around Ianto from behind.<p>

"Good afternoon," Ianto said with a huff.

Jack pouted, tightened his hold, and kissed Ianto's neck. "I was hoping for something more like, 'Ooh, take me now, you sexy devil!'"

"I know you're unfamiliar with the concept, but what I'm doing just now? It's called 'work.'"

Jack's pout deepened. "You're mad at me."

"I am not, I am simply focused on my task."

"_And_ you're mad at me."

Ianto sighed loudly. "If I am annoyed with you, it's primarily because you are making it rather impossible for me to carry out my work."

"Yeah, at the moment, but that doesn't explain why you've been the same way all week."

Ianto shoved shut the file drawer he was sorting, giving up on Jack taking his subtle hints. "Jack, you and the rest of the team are keeping something from me and I'm beginning to feel like a fool. I really don't give a toss whatever you all are planning, but if it involves me, I would genuinely appreciate it coming to swift and immediate end. I do _not_ like practical jokes, and, quite frankly, my patience and nerves are wafer-thin this time of year anyway. So leave me out of it, yeah?"

Jack let go of Ianto and took a step back. "I'm sorry," he said sincerely, laying a hand on Ianto's shoulder. "We really weren't playing any jokes on you, I promise. And we didn't mean to leave you out. You just… well, you said you didn't like Christmas very much, so I figured you didn't want to be involved. That's all."

Ianto gave him a dubious look, but seemed to accept Jack's apology.

Jack pulled him in for a kiss. "Ok, I'll let you work. No interruptions… unless the Weevils disagree."

Ianto rolled his eyes. "Thank you."

"Yan?" Jack asked as he started back up to the Hub from Ianto's archives.

"What now?"

"Can I still give you a present?"

Ianto had to laugh. Jack sounded just like a little kid. "Fine. Just… make it tasteful, yeah?"

"Sure," Jack grinned.


	3. Chapter 3

"Whaddabout these?" Jack said, gleaming eyes fixed on his laptop screen.

"Jack, if it's giving you _that_ look, it's not likely something Ianto would especially appreciate," Gwen said, not even wanting to peek around the computer to see what it was.

"All he said was tasteful."

"Oh lord. Jack, he _didn't_ mean edible underwear."

"They aren't! Well, not literally, anyway. But I'm pretty sure I could get them off using only my teeth in about two seconds."

"Keep thinking, Jack," Gwen advised, heading for the door just as Ianto was heading down from the tourist office.

Jack quickly closed off the screen he was looking at and turned his attention back to the file he still hadn't slogged through. Ianto would definitely be annoyed if he didn't have it done by day's end (barring emergent Rift activity) but Jack's concentration was still on gift ideas. Ianto might actually like a cleared inbox as a present, but Jack was trying to go for 'wow-factor.' What could possibly 'wow' Ianto Jones, though?

* * *

><p>"I think I'm stuck, Tosh," Jack admitted over coffee at the café on the Plass. "He doesn't really like the holiday anyway, so anything I'd give him would have to be special without being… ostentatious. I'm not sure I'm even capable of subtle," Jack pouted.<p>

"You just need to go about it methodically," Tosh said. "Think like Ianto - write your ideas down, make lists, and then analyze why those things wouldn't work. Once you figure that out, you've got an inverse to work against."

Jack gave her a look that clearly said, 'Do you really think it's as cut-and-dry as maths?' Then he sighed. "I don't know. I keep coming up with things he likes, but they're also things he's got – nothing that's, ya know…."

"Just from you?"

"Yeah."

"What about something he wouldn't normally indulge in for himself?"

"If this thing still worked," Jack said, flicking his left wrist, "I'd take him to see Jupiter from Ganymede… or the frozen sea… or dinner on Clom."

"What about a slightly less interstellar change of scenery? Sometimes just going someplace local you don't usually get to enjoy can be very nice."

"Maybe," Jack said, mulling that over. "I think the one thing he'd really love is peace and quiet, don't know how I'd make a gift of that. 'A quiet night at home' doesn't really sound like I've made an effort."

"He likes old things, maybe something antique," Tosh suggested.

Jack held out his arms and grinned. Tosh rolled her eyes and checked her PDA. "My scans are just about done. I should be getting back. Good luck, Jack," she said encouragingly.

"Thanks, Tosh," Jack sighed. 'Well, I've got indulgent, different, quiet, and old,' he thought.

Heading out of the café himself, Jack was starting to see what Ianto disliked about the holiday season. It was a hell of a lot of pressure and there were distractions everywhere. You couldn't turn around without being slapped with adverts for everything from jumpers to jewelry to holiday getaways. And you absolutely had to pick which one was _perfect_ for the person you most wanted to impress. It was all starting to make Jack a bit grumpy as well. Even waiting to cross the street was an opportunity for a sale when city buses were decked with signs exhorting him to "_Make Us Your Christmas Angel! The Angel Hotel, Cardiff_."

"Oh!" Jack cried out loud, turning and running back down toward the boardwalk. He didn't even notice the looks he was getting (not that he didn't usually get looks anyway). Suddenly, Jack knew exactly what Ianto would like.


	4. Chapter 4

"Hey, Ianto? I gotta run out for a few minutes. You gonna be here when I get back or are you heading out early?"

"Why would I head out early?"

"Because I gave everybody the afternoon off… for the holiday."

"It's just Christmas Eve, Jack. I'll be right here. And take the Weevil spray."

"Why?" Jack asked, alarmed, "Are we getting reports?"

"No, but it might work on the mad hordes out there enough for you to make it back in one piece," Ianto said, helping him into his coat.

Jack just grinned and kissed Ianto's cheek. He was starting to get used to Ianto's grousing about the holidays, it was even kinda cute.

"Ok, kids," Jack called, jogging down from his office, "anybody who's outta here before I'm back, have a good holiday."

"Except Ianto," Gwen snickered, but Jack was already well on his way up the stairs.

"I keep forgetting, Gwen, how much you prefer the instant, sugar-free vanilla café," Ianto grinned in the wickedest possible way. "I'll be sure to remember it from now on."

"Oh, come on, Ebenezer! Really, you've had your moan. Just _try_ enjoying Christmas, you might even like it."

"Not likely."

"Lay off the Tea-boy, huh, Gwen?" Owen said, pulling on his jacket as he came up from the operating theatre.

Ianto looked over at him suspiciously, waiting for the punchline.

"Yeah, I mean… I get it. I hate all this holiday tat m'self. It's nothin' but a grab, ain't it? The world's biggest swizz for a lotta twee suckers."

"Now look what you've done," Ianto said accusingly to Gwen. "Owen and I are agreeing. End of the bloody world, right there."

Gwen rolled her eyes. "Well, you're on my side, aren't you, Tosh?"

Tosh gave her a bit of a look as she powered down her computers. "I like Christmas, I think it's nice. And I don't think it's _just_ a big 'swizz.' But, I also know it's not really everybody's cup of tea," she said, giving Ianto a sympathetic smile. "It can be a lot easier when you've got a close family, Gwen."

Gwen just laughed it off and hurried for the door. "Alright, you bunch of gloomy Guses. Enjoy your holidays anyway."

"Gloomy Guses," Owen mumbled, lingering long enough to give Gwen time to be gone well ahead of him. "Where does she get it?"

"Too much time in Swansea, I reckon," Ianto said. "Anyone need a coffee for the road? 40-proof for those of you walking."

"No thanks, Tea-boy, I've got a date with a bartender until closing tonight."

"I wouldn't mind an alcohol-free one for the road," Tosh said, "but only if you're making some anyway."

"Probably wasn't, to be honest," Ianto said. "Was just going to head back down to the archives for a while. God only knows what I've got to steel myself for with Jack's Christmas enthusiasm. I'd swear he was closer to 12 than 200."

"No kidding," Tosh laughed. "Did you get him a gift?"

"Of course," Ianto said, rolling his eyes with just a bit of a blush.

"Don't tell me," Tosh preempted, knowing Ianto wasn't about to volunteer the information anyway. "For what it's worth, I think you'll really like his gift, though."

"I might actually trust your opinion on that. Sure about that coffee, Tosh?"

"Well, maybe, but only if you don't mind."

"Nah, I'll be so on edge waiting for Jack to get back or to ring me with some emergency I won't get anything done anyway."

"Coffee's the best for when you're on edge," Tosh smirked.

"I did mention the 40-proof," Ianto grinned. "Kind of helps. You have any plans for your day off?"

"You bet. Spending the whole day in jim-jams, decimating the sweets, and catching up on all the programmes I never get a chance to see regularly. And for once I do mean _TV_ programmes."

"Enjoy it," Ianto said sincerely.

"Thanks, Ianto. You do as well," Tosh said, taking her travel mug and hurrying out with a wave.


	5. Chapter 5

"Ianto! I'm back!"

Ianto managed not to roll his eyes at the thought that Jack would probably be dressed as Father Christmas, or more likely, in nothing but Father Christmas's cap.

"Greenhouse," Ianto called back, continuing to water the plants Owen had so readily abandoned for an early holiday.

Jack wasted no time hurrying up the stairs. "You got anything you want to finish up here, or can we go?"

"I reckon we can go," Ianto said, somewhat surprised that Jack was just as properly dressed as when he'd left.

"Good," Jack grinned. "I booked us a quiet table for dinner."

"Alright. Where are we going? Should I stop at the flat and change?"

"I think you're perfect. Devastatingly handsome," Jack said seriously.

Ianto smiled and turned up just a bit of a blush that made Jack smile in return. "Guess you look alright as well," Ianto said, smoothing the panels of Jack's waistcoat as Jack pulled him in for a kiss.

"I try," Jack shrugged.

"Do you, hell! You don't have to try and you know it."

"Maybe. But some people are worth a little _extra_ effort," Jack said, his thumb tracing Ianto's cheek. "Allow me to escort you to dinner, Mr. Jones?" Jack said, stepping back and offering his arm.

"I suppose, if I must," Ianto teased, taking Jack's arm, at least as far as stopping for his overcoat and powering down the Hub for the night. "You didn't mention our destination," Ianto prompted as they headed out to the SUV.

"Ever been to the Angel Hotel?"

"Very nice," Ianto nodded approvingly.

"Thought you'd like that," Jack grinned.

"When is the reservation? Bit early yet, isn't it?" Ianto said, checking his watch.

"Yeah, it is. But I have something else in store," Jack said.

Ianto gave him a suspicious look but decided not to ask any questions. It was only a few minutes to the hotel anyway.

"So… now that we're here…," Jack said after parking the SUV and hopping out. "Wanna come up for an aperitif?"

"Oh? Alright," Ianto said, playing along to see what Jack was up to.

Jack led the way to the hotel's lifts, up to the top floor, and down to the end of the hall. "I'm thinking martinis. You like yours dry, right?" Jack asked casually, opening the door with his wrist strap (because who needs key cards when you've got vortex manipulators?)

Following Jack into the room, Ianto's jaw dropped. Jack went straight to the table laid out with several bottles, glasses, and a cocktail shaker, deliberately focusing all his attention on making drinks.

"Jack?"

"Hmm?"

"What is all this?"

"Um… well, it's an _indulgent_, _different_, _quiet_, and _old_ Christmas gift. What do you think?" Jack said hopefully, turning and handing Ianto a cold martini.

Ianto looked around at the suite, utterly gobsmacked. There was a warm gas fireplace and even a tabletop pine tree, trimmed, with wrapped gifts around it. "I think it's lovely," Ianto said after a few long moments. "But… why did you decide to get a room? I mean, if you wanted to do -"

"Because this way it's quiet and you don't have to fuss over a single thing. All you have to do is relax. I wanted to give you a holiday that _you_ would enjoy. No noise, no jingling or blinking things. Just calm."

"Jack… I don't know what to -"

"You don't have to say anything. I just want you to enjoy yourself, that's all. Oh… I took the liberty of bringing some of your things along. Just a few outfits if you wanted to wear something different, your impeccable gentlemen's grooming kit, teddy-bear jim-jams in case you want to snuggle by the fire later…."

Ianto grinned and set his drink aside, pulling Jack into a hug. "Thank you, Jack. I really _wasn't_ trying to drop hints, but I think you're the first person who's ever taken my complaints seriously and not just called me a humbug."

"I like humbugs," Jack smiled. "They're very refreshing. And I take seriously whatever you're feeling, always. You aren't exactly given to fits of drama, so if something bothers you, there must be a reason. Like you said, you prefer tasteful. Contrary to popular belief, I can manage that, when I apply myself. Sometimes."

"You can, indeed." Ianto picked up his glass again and touched it to Jack's. "Merry Christmas."

* * *

><p>Late that night, long after jim-jams were abandoned in favour of skin-on-skin contact, Ianto lay snuggled up in Jack's arms, close to drifting off.<p>

"I notice you brought along a couple packages that were in my coat closet," Ianto murmured.

"They've been wrapped in there for a week. And I also noticed there were three missing since this morning. I wonder where those could have ended up?" Jack smirked.

"Torchwood may temporarily employ Christmas elves that sneak into the homes of its employees with gifts…."

"Uh huh."

"To be fair, the boss is apparently just as devious. And anyway, I'd rather use their home keys for dropping off gifts than cleaning the place out."

"Agreed," Jack said after a moment. He didn't fancy going down dark roads, especially not after the wonderful night they'd had, but there was something he did want to know more about now that Ianto was relaxed. "So, what is it about Christmas, really, Yan? I mean, I know you don't like the corny, fussy stuff anyway, but… what's it come from?"

Ianto sighed and rolled over onto his back. "It's not just one thing. Not like some tragedy happened on Christmas day when I was kid or something. It's just a tough time of year. As if the cold and dark weren't enough in the first place, then there's the whole enforced cheer thing. And it all comes at a time when you don't get a break from all the messages about warm, happy families and all that. If I'm not careful, I get to thinking about all the people I've lost, the happy Christmases I used to have as a kid and the ones I'd looked forward to with Lisa. And it doesn't make me feel very cheerful. It makes me just want to bundle up and hide until January. And those Christmases in London… bloody hell. It's almost like aliens were as annoyed with all the holiday clamour as I was!"

"I understand how you feel," Jack said, reaching for Ianto's hand. "I think if I heard or saw the phrase 'perfect gift' one more time this year, I was going to let a few Weevils loose in the markets."

Ianto turned back toward Jack, moving right back into his arms. "Jack? This _is_ the perfect gift for me. I'm only sorry I didn't do something big like this for you as well."

"You did, Yan," Jack said, stroking Ianto's cheek. "You did."


End file.
